Thursday, November 17, 2016

I Am Second® - Chip & Joanna Gaines

Tonight I stumbled (not really because,... Jesus) across an 'I am second' video of Chip and Joanna Gaines and it absolutely wrecked me!!

Mrs. Joanna talked about how she is a rule follower to a tee and how she likes structure. She said she always thought "if you play by the rules, you'll be blessed" and then God gave her Mr. Chip and He showed her that "when you take a step out on faith, when it makes absolutely no sense, I think that's where the greater reward is. There's no telling where that will take you."

Every word they said in this interview was beautiful, inspiring and life-changing!!

I have struggled so much in the past few weeks, months, years, and, really, my whole life with being a 'follow all the rules to a tee and you'll be blessed' attitude and it has absolutely broken me! It has made my heart hurt. It has given me panic attacks and anxiety to the max. I could never succeed and do it just right. I will never be able to do it just right. I will never be perfect and that realization has absolutely broken my heart and I am still struggling so much with it!!

People might not see the struggle that goes on in my head and heart, but it's there and it hurts so bad!! It is a struggle that I feel like is never going to stop breaking me and hurting my heart. I know, however, that my Savior lives and I can face uncertain days because He is alive and active and He hears every broken cry of my heart!!

Today God taught me so much about Himself. He reminded me of truths from His word and He showed me how to better live for HIM. I am second.

It was beautiful.

He showed me that I have been selfish, prideful, rude, and arrogant. He showed me that I have been hiding because of sin that is in my life. He showed my that I need to stop living by all the rules and start living with abandon. I need to be obedient but I need so desperately to stop being legalistic and guarded. I need to stop letting satan in!! I need to stop listening to his lies and start believing God's truths!!

Mr. Chip and Mrs. Joanna's words were truly a blessing and God used them to change me and convict me. I am praying He does the same for you!!

Please take a moment to watch this wonderful video and be blessed!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aA7Qaj-3pJw

In Christ,
Bayley

Thursday, November 10, 2016

Disability or Reability? --My Epilepsy Story (Introduction)

This month is Epilepsy awareness month and I want to paint the world purple and help people be more aware not only of the disorder but also of the lifestyle it produces.

My story is one of utter brokenness. The kind of brokenness that you think is going to never stop hurting and making your heart ache. This story is full of mistakes I made and, unfortunately, sins I committed. I handled this brokenness in a way that I am ashamed of. I am ashamed of my actions and words and the ways I have hurt my family, friends, church and community, and most importantly, God!

December 2011 through March 2012 were bad and then March until June of that some year were REALLY BAD. After June the redemption started and then the broken hearts and relationships started to mend. After that I began to find a new normal and face this disorder in a new way. I am going to explain all of this in detail as the weeks go on.

I am going to be sharing a part of this story each week of November, there will be five parts in all.

I am sharing this story because I believe that, no matter how broken and ugly our stories are, they are meant to be shared. God has never left me and He has been gracious in every broken, ugly, sinful moment and I believe that is worth sharing no matter how painful the rest is!!

Some might think I am crazy for believing this is a gift, but I believe this because God tells us in His word that that He brings blessings through tribulations and He has been faithful to do so in every broken moment of this journey.

I want this to encourage you and bless you and I want us to bless God as He deserves through this! I believe that is one of the reasons God has given me this illness. I am going to share other reasons that God has shown me, the ugly and the beautiful parts of this story and I want to share with you where God has brought me and how wonderful and great our God is! I want you to see that this kind of redemption is real and possible for you through Christ.

I want to help you if you are struggling with an illness. I want to support you and give any advice I can if you are having a hard time helping someone who is struggling with an illness. I want to help you if you need Jesus! I want to help any of you with anything that is breaking you!!

I want people to see that brokenness is an opportunity to reach out to others and to glorify God.

I am praying that this helps and blesses you and I can't wait to see what God does and how He is glorified through this!!

In Christ,
Bayley

Monday, October 31, 2016

Die to Save.

Here we go. Another Monday. Another week. Another season. Today can be like every other Monday, this week can be just like every other week, this season can be the same as all the others, or... It can be different. I choose different and I plead with you to do the same! For God, because of the sacrifices that He has made and the sacrifices of the Trinity, the ways They have laid down Their Holy, righteous lives for us. Lets make this Monday, this week, this season one that in the biggest, most profound way glorifies God and leads others to do the same.

How do we do that? That is a wonderful question, to which there are lots and lots of answers, but I am just going to give one tonight.

Here it is.

Are you ready?

Drum roll please....

Die to yourself.

Yes, you read that right. I said die to yourself. You may ask what that means? It means that whatever you love, want to do, desire with your heart, things that are important to you, the things that matter to you, lay them down and let go of them for others.

When you want to go to sleep after a long day but your baby didn't get the memo and is up screaming at all hours of the night, you get up and gift your spouse a break. When your sibling wants the last dinner roll but you do to? Yeah, you give it up for them. You give up you chair for someone. You stop hanging out with your friends and go help the elderly person that seems to be struggling with their groceries. You do whatever the Lord lays on your heart!!

You have to do this! This is not just a friendly suggestion, THIS IS A COMMAND FROM GOD ALMIGHTY!!!! He has been convicting me about this for some time now and even more recently. He has been making me step way outside of my comfort zone. I will not lie, I have messed up, I have not listened for fear of embarrassment, I have let my pride get in the way of glorifying God and blessing His precious name. I did that just today and after, as we were driving away, my heart broke and I regret it with my whole heart. Don't make that mistake. Strive for righteousness.

Strive to bless God's holy name and others hearts. They need it, God deserves it!! Every time I have followed God, He has blessed me so much!!!! There is no way I could ever thank God the way He truly deserves but following His commands is a start.

The next two weeks (at least) our country is going to be in an uproar and I have a mission to be the light of God and bring others into it as well. Will you join me? Will you commit to following where the Lord leads and do it with joy? Will you choose Jesus and others above yourself? Will you choose to bless God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit? Will you choose to bless others? Will you die to yourself?

If you're in, every time God does something in your life through this, share it with the hashtag #dietosave

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

My Hallelujah Song.

Today is one of those really bad days. You know, the kind of day where your heart hurts even when something wonderful happens? The kind of day that makes you want to cry about every little thing? The kind of day that makes you almost hate the things you love? Yeah, today has been that kind of day for me. Today has kind of stunk! It has been rough and my heart is hurting.

Today is the every once in a while day that we call "I hate Epilepsy day". It comes every couple of weeks or months and it doesn't stay long but while it's here, it hurts! It breaks our hearts and it makes us cry and basically, it just plain stinks, big time!!

I have cried more times then I can count today. Why? You may ask. Because, it stinks to have Epilepsy sometimes!

Now, please don't get the idea that I hate Epilepsy, even though everything I've said so far has pointed to that very thought. I LOVE having Epilepsy!! I love that the Lord gave this illness to me!! It is a gift and I am so grateful to God for it.

I know I just gave you some serious whiplash so, let me explain.

Epilepsy means for me that I can't:
  • Be by myself
  • Be tired and careless
  • Take a bath without someone outside the bathroom door listening for me
  • Stay up late or wake up early without a list of things I have to do to keep me safe
  • Go to sleepovers
  • Smell all the candles at Walmart
  • Go in Bath and Body Works with my friends
  • Go down waterslides
  • Be in the sun without massive amounts of sunscreen
  • Run and play games
  • Work out without serious caution
  • Look up at the stars
  • Watch fireworks
  • Go to the movie theater
  • Listen to loud music
  • Close my eyes
  • Ride in an elevator
  • Ride the escalator
I know that some of these things might seem silly to some, they seemed silly to me as I was typing them out, but when the ability to do them got snatched right out of my hands, it hurt and suddenly, they weren't so silly or insignificant anymore.

I have to:
  • Wake up two hours before I actually need to get up
  • Monitor my heart rate
  • Keep myself and others from frightening me
  • Stay away from bright or flashing lights or quickly cover my eyes or turn away, etc.
  • Have light or ease my way into darkness
  • Stay as calm as possible at all times
  • Keep my eyes closed until my brain is fully active and I am ready to get up
  • Get up and out of bed slowly and calmly
These are just the things I can think of and put into words right now. I have to live with these things everyday. I have to make a conscious effort to keep these things from happening, I have to remind myself not to do things and I have to look at people and tell them that I can't do something that they really want to enjoy with me. I have to ask people not to do certain things and I have to ask people for help all the time.

One of the hardest things for me is asking people to lay down their wants and desires and dreams to help me. It hurts them and it hurts me. It causes so much pain and heartache. My Epilepsy causes the people around me to miss out on things they so desperately want to do. It is so hard on all of us, but the kindness and willingness to serve shown by my village is amazing and truly a blessing to my heart!

Here is why I love Epilepsy and why I would never ask God to take this away from me.

Here are the two big reasons: 1. You. The person who is struggling with their own Epilepsy journey, your own health problems, whatever they may be. Maybe it has nothing to do with your health at all, maybe you are having family troubles or financial problems or maybe you have just lost a loved one and you need a reminder that you are not alone! I have been in all of these situations and so many others have as well. Maybe you need the reminder that God makes beauty from ashes and He is the great and powerful redeemer! I need that, too! All the time.

Sometimes I feel like no one understands what I am going through and then God gives me this wonderful reminder that yes, there are people who know what I am going through and there are people all over this world who have known so much worse. He is also faithful to remind me of the cross and how His perfect, beautiful Son, Jesus Christ took all of this on Himself at the cross, He knows!! Jesus knows exactly how we feel. I want to encourage you in that today.

I love this illness because God has used it to open up so many doors. God has helped me learn and grow through this. He has taught me things that I might not have learned otherwise. He has allowed me to talk to and encourage so many. He has given so many wonderful, undeserved gifts and I am grateful for each one, no matter how painful they come!

My Biggest reason: God. God, Jesus, Holy Spirit. They are my favorite reason! They, the wonderful, mighty, powerful, majestic, Holy, and righteous Trinity. God sent His beautiful Son to die for me so that I could live for Him. I am here on this earth, as are you, to give glory to God, to His Son, Jesus, and to Holy Spirit. That is the call, the duty, of us all.

This is part of my hallelujah song. This is just a fraction of my redemption story that God has been so gracious to give.

Today stunk. I cried and let my heart hurt. I didn't choose joy every moment of today. I wish that I had, I wish that I was a better example, but God has given grace and He is helping me and today I am trying to take it one step at a time.

I have been taught that it is progress not perfection and I hope that encourages you today. Know that you don't have to be perfect and you don't have to do everything right. God is already perfect and He already does everything right. So, though we should strive for perfection to glorify God and to bless His name, when we mess up remember that God is there to pick us up and help us on this journey and we aren't failures.

If you are struggling today, if you are hurting, for whatever reason, cry to Jesus. Be encouraged that God is the Author and Perfector and He is the Finisher.

When we hurt and when we have one of these nasty, ugly days, God is there and He cares so much for us, even when it doesn't seem like it.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

In Christ,
Bayley

Thursday, September 1, 2016

Untitled.

Hi, readers! I know it's been awhile but I'm back (hopefully for more than one post ;))!

I have wanted to tell this part of my story for a long time! I have wanted to share of God's grace, His faithfulness, mercy, love, forgiveness, patience, and redemption. I have wanted to help others by telling my story; I have wanted to share the truth and unearth pieces of this story that haven't been shared freely.

There have been times when I haven't wanted to share this part of my story, I haven't been able to understand, comprehend, or describe anything well enough to share it much less help others. I have struggled with my story for a long time, but for the last couple of years I have wanted to share my story, praise the Lord, and help others. Unfortunately, I have never been able to truly share my story in all it's entirety. BUT, by God's grace, I am now!! He has answered my prayers with a long awaited "YES!" And I could not be more grateful!

I would, however, like to give a disclaimer before getting started. This story could be a trigger for some. This is NOT going to be a light hearted, easy read! This is a heart breaking story and it is very painful for people to hear. I want everyone to know this story but not at the cost of your own healing. So, please, proceed with caution.
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My family went over to my uncle's townhouse for a game/movie night and it was my turn to spend the night afterward. I was so excited!

I loved him so much. He was the cool uncle, the one who was really involved and fun and very loving. I remember smiling a lot in my memories with him. He made me smile. Then it all changed.

I remember sitting on his counter watching him cut me some mozzarella cheese, legs hung over the edge, having the time of my life. I had no idea what was about to happen.

I don't remember anything after that until I was in bed. I couldn't sleep. I went downstairs, and he said he would be up in a bit and sent me on my way. I went back upstairs and I don't remember how long it was until I heard him coming up the stairs but that is when I start remembering everything so clearly it hurts. As I heard him coming up I got nervous because I still wasn't asleep and I didn't want to get in trouble.

I pretended to be asleep.

Then it happened.

At six years old God allowed me the gift of brokenness.

I was sexually assaulted.

My heart was broken.

In five minutes, my whole life was changed. Everything I thought to be true about this man was a lie. He broke me.

I was labeled a broken girl that night.

I don't remember anything else until early the next morning. Sitting on his lap and looking right into his eyes, I asked him what he had done the night before, knowing full well exactly what he did, and he lied.

I didn't know what it was called but I didn't need to know what it was called to know it was wrong. I didn't know how it was wrong but I knew it was. I didn't know anything, really. I just knew something was different. I was six years old but my little brain knew something was not right. I don't remember everything that went through my head but I know I was in pain.

My Mom told me much later that when he dropped me off that morning, I went right into the house and was apparently acting strange, so he lied to my Mom and jabbered about how I didn't sleep well.

That night when we were trying to get ready for church my Mom and I were in her room sitting on the bed. I remember sitting in her lap sobbing trying to get through telling her. My Mom knew not to push me to tell them what happened so, she left it up to me to tell them when I was ready, and God allowed my heart the gift of letting it out. I was able, by God's grace, to tell her that night what had happened.

At six years old I didn't quite understand everything. So, I tossed between hating him and loving him, I didn't know what to do and that was so hard. I remember being in his lap one Sunday morning at church and not moving after my Mom told me to come sit with her because I wanted to be with him, and then I remember writing on a piece of paper that I hated him, then ripping it out, crumbling it up and throwing it, crying as I did.

I had PTSD and didn't sleep almost at all, and when I did I woke up with nightmares. I ended up in my parents bed every night for a long time after it happened. Mom told me of many times when she sat in the floor rocking me back and forth while I screamed. PTSD was something that I struggled with day and night.

BUT GOD!

He has given me a beautiful redemption story. He used my brokenness to draw me to Himself.  He allowed me His grace and forgiveness, He saved me. God allowed me to become one of His children. He adopted me into His kingdom. He gave me Jesus, His Son. He allowed me to take part in the beautiful gifts that Christ's death and resurrection give in a whole new way. He saved a wretch like me!!!! He turned brokenness into beauty.

I grew up that night. That was painful. I didn't have a 'normal' childhood. I didn't think or feel like a 'normal' little girl. But God used what seemed like the worst thing that could ever happen to me for His best in my life. God was giving me a gift that night. It didn't feel like a gift that night and it didn't feel like a gift for a long time after it happened, but, today, I know with every part of who I am that it was a gift. It was a gift from God, who I can now call my Father.

I still hurt. I hurt more on some days than others. Some days I don't even think about it. It took almost ten years but I am here. I have arrived at this place where I never thought I would. I can now smile when talking or thinking about this. I don't always, but I can. God has given me so many blessings through this. He has used this to shape me and make me who He has always intended me to be. I can now face my past with joy and use it to further God's kingdom and bring glory to His mighty name.

This will always be hard and it will never fully go away, but I have Jesus and He will forever, without a doubt, be there. Even when it hurts, He will comfort and continue redeeming and continue making me the person He wants me to be. He will continue to give me strength to honor and glorify Him. He will continue to unfold His already written, perfect, beautiful plan for me and this life He has given me.

The last year has been hard! His sentence for other crimes was over in 2015, and he was set to be brought back here to be prosecuted for what happened all those years ago. At that time my PTSD came back, by God's grace it was not as severe, but, it was hard learning to live with PTSD again. God taught me so much last year and it was such a gift, it was very difficult and painful, but so beautiful!!

I remember being at work the day he came back in October. He was supposed to be here October 26, but for whatever reason, they didn't bring him until the 27th. I had thought that he would come sometime later in the month, not the next day! I don't remember suspecting that at all. The day he got back, a friend texted me, not knowing my parents were going to wait until I got off work to tell me. Complete accident, they thought I already knew and were trying to be an encouragement, and I appreciate it more than they know. I then texted Mom to see if their facts were right and she sent me one of the hardest texts I have ever read in my life. She confirmed that he was, in fact, here, where it all started.

I remember getting in the car and crying. It was hard news and I felt, once again, broken. But, it was a beautiful kind of broken, the kind that I will forever cherish and love and yearn for.

The following days and weeks were very hard! Knowing that he was in the same town, not even five minutes from where I live, was a very hard reality to face and even harder to live with. It was somewhat silly because he was locked away and there was no way that he would get out, but it was a feeling that was so hard to cope with.

A court date was set for March 9, and I chose not to go because I thought it would be to hard to see his face again. My Mom, my big brother (he was so brave and I will forever admire him for making that decision!), and one of our best family friends went.

We decided that we were going to aim for a plea agreement. There was a lot of waiting with not much news. Court was set for April 6, although we weren't sure what would happen since an agreement still hadn't been reached. This time it was harder to make a decision. I had wondered what it would have been like if I had gone to court the last time, I wondered how I would feel. We weren't expecting it all to be over the next morning and really it did not even seem possible but, I felt like God was telling me I needed to go, despite the expected outcome. I didn't want this all to be over and me to spend the rest of my life wondering "what if?" I wanted to go to give God glory when I came out of it. I think I wanted to prove to myself that I could. I know some part of me was looking forward to was seeing his face when he realized who I was, and I wanted him to know that I was there for a fight and I wasn't backing down.

There was something in me, a sort of numbness, and I truly believe that was a gift from God. He allowed me not to feel the night before so I could sleep. The next morning I started to feel a little bit nervous and afraid, but I was genuinely okay. As I was getting ready that morning I remember going around the house singing "You make me brave...", a beautiful song and a beautiful reminder from the Lord. When we got there I started to get more nervous. We got settled in the courtroom and I would get really nervous and then I wouldn't think about it for a few minutes; this went on the whole time and I was grateful to get a break from the butterflies in my stomach. We kept getting closer to our scheduled time and as we did I got more scared. We went to our prosecutor's office and discussed a plea deal and we came to an agreement. Mom and Dad told me that I had the somewhat final say; they were reserving their right to veto if needed, but they wanted me to be at peace. I had a bare-minimum years served in my head when I got there that day, and we ended up in the same year, six months under what I had originally wanted. I felt this huge peace. God gave us all a peace that day, and He helped us say "yes."

Back in court, the amazing judge called his name.  I had been previously warned that they were going to say his name and state his crimes and I knew that might be hard but God got me through it! That is a miracle!!!! Hearing his name is so hard, even after all these years, it still hurts so bad. People have been good, for the most part, about not saying his name when we are talking about it and I have really appreciated that and been very thankful, especially this last year. When the deputy brought him out he looked around the room and saw me. I looked him right in the eyes and then he did a double take when he realized who I was. That was something I had wanted and maybe even needed. I needed him to see me and realize that I am not the little girl he remembers. ALL BECAUSE OF GOD!!!! I was able to smile and walk out of that courtroom without a single tear dropping BECAUSE OF GOD!! I got a little teary eyed once and according to my mother I did not flinch otherwise BECAUSE OF GOD!! I walked through the rest of that Wednesday without crying but maybe once BECAUSE OF GOD!! This was ALL GOD!!!!!! He did ALL of this!! Everything I have written, everything I will ever write is ALL BECAUSE OF GOD'S GRACE AND MERCY AND LOVE!!!! His redemption story will forever be written on my heart.

God can repair brokenness and He is doing that in me right now. I will not be completely healed and set free until I come Home to be with Him in Heaven, but He is healing me. He is making me new.

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To Those Who Need Healing,

You are broken. You are hurting. You may not see a way out. Your heart is shattered and you feel like no one understands. People push you away, or, maybe you're the one pushing people away. You have no idea how to escape this pain and you're lost. You don't understand any of this. You don't know what way is the 'right' way to grieve. You don't know if you will ever be free. You are crying yourself to sleep every night, waking up screaming, drenched in your own sweat, tears running down your face, wanting someone to hold you but being afraid. You are wondering "why me?"

You are not alone. I understand most, if not all of this. I lived this. I know exactly what this feels like.

I want you to know that there is way out. It's Jesus.

There is freedom. His name is Jesus.

There is someone who understands better than I or anyone else ever could. It's Jesus Christ. He took every once of our pain and heartbreak upon Himself when He died on the cross.

There is someone who can hold you and give you comfort, His name is JESUS CHRIST.

I will not say that I know what you're going through because I don't, not entirely. But I do know that we all have a lot of the same struggles when attempting to move forward and deal with this brokenness. I know that in a way, we are the same. We are both broken and I have had those feelings of betrayal and I have felt abandoned. BUT JESUS! Jesus saved me and has seen me through this pain. The only thing that will ever fully save you from this pain and heartache is Jesus.

You might have a lot of support, you may have none. Either way, I would love to help you in any way that I can. Please, please, please if you have any questions, if you want to talk, if you want someone that can listen and say 'me too', I am here. I would love to be that for you. I would love to be an encouragement to you! You can contact me via e-mail or you can follow Beautiful Scars Blog on FaceBook and send me a direct message there. :)

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To My Readers,

Thank you. Thank you for reading this story and thank you for following this journey along side me. I will forever be grateful! You are a blessing!

I don't know if you love Jesus Christ or not, but I do know that no matter who you are or what you've been through, God is there, and if you cry out to Him with all of your heart wanting with every ounce of who you are to be saved from your sins and to be His child, He will save you.

If you have questions or comments, I would absolutely love to here from you! Please feel free to comment below, send an e-mail or follow Beautiful Scars Blog on FaceBook and comment or PM me there.

Thank you so much!
Bayley

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To Those Who Have Supported Me and Walked This Journey With Me,

You have no idea how much I love each one of you! You have no idea how much help you have been to me. You have no idea how much your love, support, kind words of encouragement, hugs, and listening ears have changed my life. God used you all in a mighty way!! I might not have told you thank you personally but please know that I am very thankful!! You each are such a blessing and you have all been a huge part of my healing and being able to move forward.

Thank you.

Love,
Bay

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Silent Pain.

I just recently read a blog post about silent pain. It was like it was talking about me. Though the girl that wrote it and I deal with pain about completely different things and hers is much more serious, we still deal with pain and we hold it in. Unfortunately, she didn't say anything until it was to late. Until it had already broken her. I don't want to do that. I don't want this pain to break me. I don't want to lose a part of myself because of this pain.

So, I am going tell you about my pain. Not to make you feel bad for me, not so that you can pity me, but because... I want to inspire others. I want to inspire you. I want to share my journey with you, I want you to be a part of my journey. And I don't want this pain to break me.

I walk down the aisle in Wal-mart, in the hallway at the hospital where my dad works, at church, in the car, at home, anywhere and it seems like everywhere I go there are flickering lights (flickering lights are a major seizure trigger for me). I see people walk around who don't even see what I see. They don't see the lights, they don't realize it because it typically doesn't bother them, at least not like it does me.

When I am tired I have this worry inside me, this feeling, these thoughts of "what if". I hear people say things like "I am so tired, I just want to go to sleep" or "I need sleep!" and I think to myself "I wonder what its like to be tired and not have to worry about having a seizure?" (sleep deprivation is another major trigger for seizures).

There are so many things that I don't get to do now. Things that other people, my friends and my family, get to do and places I can't go now but they get to go and they get to have that fun without me. I am not saying this so they can read this and feel bad or so they can feel guilty. I am saying this because I have held it in too long and I can't do it anymore, I can't risk the brokenness that can happen when you don't talk about the things that hurt.

I love watching them have fun and I love seeing the smiles on their faces! But, it still hurts.

I sit around a table and hear about something someone did or gets to do that I can't do and I smile. I smile and I laugh about their silly jokes and the funny things that happened. I really am happy for them, I really do think it's funny, but, it still hurts.

I am saying this because I want to encourage you to speak out, to tell people about the hurt that you are feeling. I want to encourage you to not keep everything inside. I know that it seems like its for the best. Like you should because you don't want to hurt other people, you don't want to see the pity in their eyes, the sadness. You don't want to ruin their fun and you don't want them to feel guilty for having fun and for being happy. But, you can tell them. Sometimes it hurts and sometimes it's scary but it's always worth it in the end. To have that out. To have that off your shoulders. Yes, it is hard. I told three people about my pain in person just recently, I am not going to lie and say it didn't hurt because it did. It was hard and it wasn't fun in the moment but when I got done I felt this feeling like, as cliché as it sounds, like I was free.

I know I might seem ridiculous, I know this pain might seem like such a small thing and irrational and something that shouldn't matter. I know that and I wouldn't blame anyone for thinking that. I think it sounds a bit ridiculous too. But I still feel it, I still feel this pain and I want to share my thoughts with you because I know that somewhere out there in this great big world we live in, there is someone that needs to hear this. And if I can help just one person then every bit of this pain will be worth it! If I can help one person see that God has a plan and God has this in the palm of His hands then all of my pain will be worth it!

God has this!! I know HE has this!! Yes, it stinks. Yes, I don't like feeling this way. BUT God has a BEAUTIFUL plan for our pain!!



 
xoxo,
Bayley

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

June Blogathon, Day Three!

Day three of the June blogathon:

When my anxious thoughts multiply within me, Your consolations delight my soul. Proverbs 94:19

Today I have been anxious. I have been so worried about things I really should not be worried about. I have been thinking to hard and to much about things that, though they are important and they do need to be thought about, they don't need to take over my day. Like they did today.

I need to lay the anxieties and the worries and the confusion going on in my head at the feet of Jesus! Today I got caught up in my thoughts. I got unfocused and my mind was going all over the place, I just could not get it together. I tried but I should have tried harder. I know that if I had prayed harder and if I had tried to focus on God and the fact that He has a plan for all of the "what ifs" and all the confusion. If I had tried harder I know today could have been much better, more productive and much happier.

I let Satan in. I let him see my weakness and I let him take advantage of it. I let him take over my day today and I am ashamed. I am ashamed that I let Satan in and that I let him take away my joy. But I know that the Lord planed today before I was even thought of, I know that He has a reason for making today the way it was. I know that God is good and He is all-knowing and He has a beautiful plan for me that involves ALL of the days. Even the days like today.

Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow I will try harder. I will pray more. I will smile bigger. I will chose joy.


 
 


{Some photos from mine and Emmy's Birthday shoot}
 
xoxo,
Bayley