It's a scary thing to not know if you're dying from a terrible illness. It's a scary thing to look at life with the perspective of a dying person. It's a scary thing to question yourself, to micromanage yourself, to try to make sure you tell all your people you love them and try to explain just how much...just in case. It's scary, broken, terrifying, it makes my insides...it breaks me, it is scary...I don't know how to describe it. Maybe because I don't want to, maybe my heart is just breaking and I just can't get there. I can't really go there and really try to sort through it...I'm not sure, but I do know that I can physically feel the ache.
Not getting stuck in the "what if?" and vain imaginings. Not trying to escape it all. Trying to live right here. To sit, just sit here and watch as God works and does wonders too many to declare...is really hard. It is so hard fighting to surrender and truly rest here. To truly, genuinely accept where I am, where our family is, it's really hard. It is so hard to dream cautiously, to hope fearlessly, to fully trust Him, it's hard and it has broken me.
This journey has broken me...
When I step back, it seems like it's stripped me of everything I was. It seems like it's broken me completely, like maybe there's nothing left to break and maybe I've learned everything there is to learn. Maybe...or maybe not...I think not...
This isn't wasted and of this I am sure: if I am still here, in the midst of this sorrow and brokenness, if I am still here on this earth, there is purpose. God does nothing without purpose! Of this I am so very, very sure.
I will never know all the answers to all of the whys here on earth and I don't think it'll matter in Eternity, but my desire is to be found faithful, with or without answers. If we never get answers as to why I am so very sick, so be it, may I be found faithful. If we never know all of the reasons why we have been through so much, why we have suffered and endured, why we have broken so deeply, to our very core. If I never know all of the whys during this journey, if I don't get all of those answers here, on earth, so be it, may I be found faithful.
May I be found faithful, even here.
Even here in the midst of such...such ache, may I be found faithful. May I be faithful to Him as He is so graciously faithful to me. Let me worship, let me sing praises, let me share this broken story and share about this Hope. Let that be my heart and focus. That I may know Him and that you would, too. That we would know Him deeper. May I trust fully, wholly, completely. May I love with an abundant love, with a Christ-like love, a love that is willing to do whatever Christ calls me to. May I be obedient and may I seek His face. May He be my focus and may I truly have my eyes fixed on Him, desiring Him above everything else, everyone else. Desiring Him. Oh, may that be my whole heart!
Jesus, please keep my eyes set on Eternity. On the salvation of lost souls. Keep my heart pure and seeking after you for the rest of my days, no matter how long or short they are, every single moment of every day I have, let it be all for you, Lord. Be my everything. Strip me of everything, everything that you will to bring about your holy purpose. Be glorified here, Lord. Even here, Jesus. Even here.
Oh, Lord, this is so hard, but I trust you here, God. I know this for sure: there is purpose here, even here in the midst of my wilderness, my valley, my desert. In the midst of this ache, I know that you have a purpose for me, for my family, for our community, for people I've haven't met and people I never will, I know you have a purpose and you're using this. I am praising you for this assurance and the gift of suffering, for the gift of knowing you are God and you are so good. I am praising you for allowing such hurt and such deep, deep brokenness. For your grace and the way you sustain us. For answering prayers, our cries, our pleas. For leading us through the darkness. For gently guiding me. For allowing me such a wonderful opportunity to share about you and what you've done for us, the platform you've given. I am praising you for your love that I do not deserve. For your deep, deep love for me. Thank you, Lord! Oh, praise the Lord! Thank you for being so graciously faithful and generously gracious!
Even here...
Here you are faithful, just as you were and just as you will be. You never change. Though my circumstances have changed, you are the same. Thank you for the blessing of this assurance. Thank you for this truth. Thank you, Holy Spirit. Thank you for knowing me so deeply and knowing how much I need security and assurance. Thank you.
I am sure of this, Lord, that everything you say is true. Everything in your Word is true. Even when I don't *feel* it, I *know* , oh, I know. I know. I am sure of this.
This journey is leaving us with a lot of questions. I have a lot of questions and I don't know if I'll ever get answers. I don't know what is going on with this body, I don't have answers as to what is causing this and I may never know. I may never know or maybe we will get answers and they'll be the ones we're dreading. Maybe it will be even worse. Maybe it will hurt worse and break us worse. Maybe it will change things even more. Or maybe, maybe we'll get answers and there will be treatment or even a cure. Maybe my body will start to heal. Maybe...I don't know, but maybe. Either way, Lord, here I am. Take my life and let it be all for you, Lord. Answers or no answers. Worst case scenario or best. Long earthy forever or short. Seizure or no seizure. Let it be all for you, Lord. Here I am.
It is well with my soul.
-b
Not getting stuck in the "what if?" and vain imaginings. Not trying to escape it all. Trying to live right here. To sit, just sit here and watch as God works and does wonders too many to declare...is really hard. It is so hard fighting to surrender and truly rest here. To truly, genuinely accept where I am, where our family is, it's really hard. It is so hard to dream cautiously, to hope fearlessly, to fully trust Him, it's hard and it has broken me.
This journey has broken me...
When I step back, it seems like it's stripped me of everything I was. It seems like it's broken me completely, like maybe there's nothing left to break and maybe I've learned everything there is to learn. Maybe...or maybe not...I think not...
This isn't wasted and of this I am sure: if I am still here, in the midst of this sorrow and brokenness, if I am still here on this earth, there is purpose. God does nothing without purpose! Of this I am so very, very sure.
I will never know all the answers to all of the whys here on earth and I don't think it'll matter in Eternity, but my desire is to be found faithful, with or without answers. If we never get answers as to why I am so very sick, so be it, may I be found faithful. If we never know all of the reasons why we have been through so much, why we have suffered and endured, why we have broken so deeply, to our very core. If I never know all of the whys during this journey, if I don't get all of those answers here, on earth, so be it, may I be found faithful.
May I be found faithful, even here.
Even here in the midst of such...such ache, may I be found faithful. May I be faithful to Him as He is so graciously faithful to me. Let me worship, let me sing praises, let me share this broken story and share about this Hope. Let that be my heart and focus. That I may know Him and that you would, too. That we would know Him deeper. May I trust fully, wholly, completely. May I love with an abundant love, with a Christ-like love, a love that is willing to do whatever Christ calls me to. May I be obedient and may I seek His face. May He be my focus and may I truly have my eyes fixed on Him, desiring Him above everything else, everyone else. Desiring Him. Oh, may that be my whole heart!
Jesus, please keep my eyes set on Eternity. On the salvation of lost souls. Keep my heart pure and seeking after you for the rest of my days, no matter how long or short they are, every single moment of every day I have, let it be all for you, Lord. Be my everything. Strip me of everything, everything that you will to bring about your holy purpose. Be glorified here, Lord. Even here, Jesus. Even here.
Oh, Lord, this is so hard, but I trust you here, God. I know this for sure: there is purpose here, even here in the midst of my wilderness, my valley, my desert. In the midst of this ache, I know that you have a purpose for me, for my family, for our community, for people I've haven't met and people I never will, I know you have a purpose and you're using this. I am praising you for this assurance and the gift of suffering, for the gift of knowing you are God and you are so good. I am praising you for allowing such hurt and such deep, deep brokenness. For your grace and the way you sustain us. For answering prayers, our cries, our pleas. For leading us through the darkness. For gently guiding me. For allowing me such a wonderful opportunity to share about you and what you've done for us, the platform you've given. I am praising you for your love that I do not deserve. For your deep, deep love for me. Thank you, Lord! Oh, praise the Lord! Thank you for being so graciously faithful and generously gracious!
Even here...
Here you are faithful, just as you were and just as you will be. You never change. Though my circumstances have changed, you are the same. Thank you for the blessing of this assurance. Thank you for this truth. Thank you, Holy Spirit. Thank you for knowing me so deeply and knowing how much I need security and assurance. Thank you.
I am sure of this, Lord, that everything you say is true. Everything in your Word is true. Even when I don't *feel* it, I *know* , oh, I know. I know. I am sure of this.
This journey is leaving us with a lot of questions. I have a lot of questions and I don't know if I'll ever get answers. I don't know what is going on with this body, I don't have answers as to what is causing this and I may never know. I may never know or maybe we will get answers and they'll be the ones we're dreading. Maybe it will be even worse. Maybe it will hurt worse and break us worse. Maybe it will change things even more. Or maybe, maybe we'll get answers and there will be treatment or even a cure. Maybe my body will start to heal. Maybe...I don't know, but maybe. Either way, Lord, here I am. Take my life and let it be all for you, Lord. Answers or no answers. Worst case scenario or best. Long earthy forever or short. Seizure or no seizure. Let it be all for you, Lord. Here I am.
It is well with my soul.
-b
Hello Bayley. I am a Pastor from Mumbai, India. I am glad to stop by your profile on the blogger and the blog post. I am also blessed and feel privileged and honoured to get connected with you as well as know you through your profile and about your interest in Godly things and the pain you are going through. I am moved by your very touching and giving me burden to pray for you. I blessed by seeing your trust in the Lord and hope with which you live. I love getting connected with the people of God around the globe to be encouraged, strengthened and praying for one another. I have been in the Pastoral ministry for last 39 yrs in this great city of Mumbai a city with a great contrast where richest of rich and the poorest of poor live. We reach out to the poorest o fpoor with the love of Christ to bring healing to the brokenhearted. We also encourage young and the adults from the west to come to Mumbai to work with us during their vacation time. We would love to have you come t Mumbai with your friends to work with us during your vacation time. I am sure you will have a life changing experience. Looking forward to hear from you very soon. God's richest blessings on you, your family and friends.My email id is : dhwankhede(at)gmail(dot)com and my name is Diwakar Wankhede.
ReplyDeleteHi Mr. Diwakar! Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement! I so appreciate your prayers and I am so grateful to have you following along my journey here on the blog! 39 years is absolutely incredible and I love that you're ministering to the people of Mumbai! I will be adding you all to my prayer list and praying for the salvation of lost souls, encouragement, strength and provision, etc.! I would love to go to Mumbai and minister to the people there and share the Gospel with them, but that is not where the Lord has me right now. Thank you so much for the invitation, though!
ReplyDelete-blessings, Bayley