I just recently read a blog post about silent pain. It was like it was talking about me. Though the girl that wrote it and I deal with pain about completely different things and hers is much more serious, we still deal with pain and we hold it in. Unfortunately, she didn't say anything until it was to late. Until it had already broken her. I don't want to do that. I don't want this pain to break me. I don't want to lose a part of myself because of this pain.
So, I am going tell you about my pain. Not to make you feel bad for me, not so that you can pity me, but because... I want to inspire others. I want to inspire you. I want to share my journey with you, I want you to be a part of my journey. And I don't want this pain to break me.
I walk down the aisle in Wal-mart, in the hallway at the hospital where my dad works, at church, in the car, at home, anywhere and it seems like everywhere I go there are flickering lights (flickering lights are a major seizure trigger for me). I see people walk around who don't even see what I see. They don't see the lights, they don't realize it because it typically doesn't bother them, at least not like it does me.
When I am tired I have this worry inside me, this feeling, these thoughts of "what if". I hear people say things like "I am so tired, I just want to go to sleep" or "I need sleep!" and I think to myself "I wonder what its like to be tired and not have to worry about having a seizure?" (sleep deprivation is another major trigger for seizures).
There are so many things that I don't get to do now. Things that other people, my friends and my family, get to do and places I can't go now but they get to go and they get to have that fun without me. I am not saying this so they can read this and feel bad or so they can feel guilty. I am saying this because I have held it in too long and I can't do it anymore, I can't risk the brokenness that can happen when you don't talk about the things that hurt.
I love watching them have fun and I love seeing the smiles on their faces! But, it still hurts.
I sit around a table and hear about something someone did or gets to do that I can't do and I smile. I smile and I laugh about their silly jokes and the funny things that happened. I really am happy for them, I really do think it's funny, but, it still hurts.
I am saying this because I want to encourage you to speak out, to tell people about the hurt that you are feeling. I want to encourage you to not keep everything inside. I know that it seems like its for the best. Like you should because you don't want to hurt other people, you don't want to see the pity in their eyes, the sadness. You don't want to ruin their fun and you don't want them to feel guilty for having fun and for being happy. But, you can tell them. Sometimes it hurts and sometimes it's scary but it's always worth it in the end. To have that out. To have that off your shoulders. Yes, it is hard. I told three people about my pain in person just recently, I am not going to lie and say it didn't hurt because it did. It was hard and it wasn't fun in the moment but when I got done I felt this feeling like, as cliché as it sounds, like I was free.
I know I might seem ridiculous, I know this pain might seem like such a small thing and irrational and something that shouldn't matter. I know that and I wouldn't blame anyone for thinking that. I think it sounds a bit ridiculous too. But I still feel it, I still feel this pain and I want to share my thoughts with you because I know that somewhere out there in this great big world we live in, there is someone that needs to hear this. And if I can help just one person then every bit of this pain will be worth it! If I can help one person see that God has a plan and God has this in the palm of His hands then all of my pain will be worth it!
God has this!! I know HE has this!! Yes, it stinks. Yes, I don't like feeling this way. BUT God has a BEAUTIFUL plan for our pain!!
So, I am going tell you about my pain. Not to make you feel bad for me, not so that you can pity me, but because... I want to inspire others. I want to inspire you. I want to share my journey with you, I want you to be a part of my journey. And I don't want this pain to break me.
I walk down the aisle in Wal-mart, in the hallway at the hospital where my dad works, at church, in the car, at home, anywhere and it seems like everywhere I go there are flickering lights (flickering lights are a major seizure trigger for me). I see people walk around who don't even see what I see. They don't see the lights, they don't realize it because it typically doesn't bother them, at least not like it does me.
When I am tired I have this worry inside me, this feeling, these thoughts of "what if". I hear people say things like "I am so tired, I just want to go to sleep" or "I need sleep!" and I think to myself "I wonder what its like to be tired and not have to worry about having a seizure?" (sleep deprivation is another major trigger for seizures).
There are so many things that I don't get to do now. Things that other people, my friends and my family, get to do and places I can't go now but they get to go and they get to have that fun without me. I am not saying this so they can read this and feel bad or so they can feel guilty. I am saying this because I have held it in too long and I can't do it anymore, I can't risk the brokenness that can happen when you don't talk about the things that hurt.
I love watching them have fun and I love seeing the smiles on their faces! But, it still hurts.
I sit around a table and hear about something someone did or gets to do that I can't do and I smile. I smile and I laugh about their silly jokes and the funny things that happened. I really am happy for them, I really do think it's funny, but, it still hurts.
I am saying this because I want to encourage you to speak out, to tell people about the hurt that you are feeling. I want to encourage you to not keep everything inside. I know that it seems like its for the best. Like you should because you don't want to hurt other people, you don't want to see the pity in their eyes, the sadness. You don't want to ruin their fun and you don't want them to feel guilty for having fun and for being happy. But, you can tell them. Sometimes it hurts and sometimes it's scary but it's always worth it in the end. To have that out. To have that off your shoulders. Yes, it is hard. I told three people about my pain in person just recently, I am not going to lie and say it didn't hurt because it did. It was hard and it wasn't fun in the moment but when I got done I felt this feeling like, as cliché as it sounds, like I was free.
I know I might seem ridiculous, I know this pain might seem like such a small thing and irrational and something that shouldn't matter. I know that and I wouldn't blame anyone for thinking that. I think it sounds a bit ridiculous too. But I still feel it, I still feel this pain and I want to share my thoughts with you because I know that somewhere out there in this great big world we live in, there is someone that needs to hear this. And if I can help just one person then every bit of this pain will be worth it! If I can help one person see that God has a plan and God has this in the palm of His hands then all of my pain will be worth it!
God has this!! I know HE has this!! Yes, it stinks. Yes, I don't like feeling this way. BUT God has a BEAUTIFUL plan for our pain!!
xoxo,
Bayley
Love you, and thank you for being so open. :)
ReplyDeleteLove you, too!! Thank you for reading my blog! It means more then you know!! *tears*
DeleteI love that you wrote this. I pray it encourages someone to speak up about their own pain.
ReplyDeleteAwww...Thank you!! I hope so, too!! *hugs*
DeleteLoved it! I hope God uses this to help someone struggling with their own secret pain. Thanks for being an encouragement :-)
ReplyDeleteThank you!! I hope so, too!! :) :)
DeleteAh, Sweetie. You are so precious!
ReplyDeleteSomebody needs to invent glasses that keep the light 'even'....
XO TracyLou
Thank you, Mrs. Tracy!! :) *hugs*
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