Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Silent Pain.

I just recently read a blog post about silent pain. It was like it was talking about me. Though the girl that wrote it and I deal with pain about completely different things and hers is much more serious, we still deal with pain and we hold it in. Unfortunately, she didn't say anything until it was to late. Until it had already broken her. I don't want to do that. I don't want this pain to break me. I don't want to lose a part of myself because of this pain.

So, I am going tell you about my pain. Not to make you feel bad for me, not so that you can pity me, but because... I want to inspire others. I want to inspire you. I want to share my journey with you, I want you to be a part of my journey. And I don't want this pain to break me.

I walk down the aisle in Wal-mart, in the hallway at the hospital where my dad works, at church, in the car, at home, anywhere and it seems like everywhere I go there are flickering lights (flickering lights are a major seizure trigger for me). I see people walk around who don't even see what I see. They don't see the lights, they don't realize it because it typically doesn't bother them, at least not like it does me.

When I am tired I have this worry inside me, this feeling, these thoughts of "what if". I hear people say things like "I am so tired, I just want to go to sleep" or "I need sleep!" and I think to myself "I wonder what its like to be tired and not have to worry about having a seizure?" (sleep deprivation is another major trigger for seizures).

There are so many things that I don't get to do now. Things that other people, my friends and my family, get to do and places I can't go now but they get to go and they get to have that fun without me. I am not saying this so they can read this and feel bad or so they can feel guilty. I am saying this because I have held it in too long and I can't do it anymore, I can't risk the brokenness that can happen when you don't talk about the things that hurt.

I love watching them have fun and I love seeing the smiles on their faces! But, it still hurts.

I sit around a table and hear about something someone did or gets to do that I can't do and I smile. I smile and I laugh about their silly jokes and the funny things that happened. I really am happy for them, I really do think it's funny, but, it still hurts.

I am saying this because I want to encourage you to speak out, to tell people about the hurt that you are feeling. I want to encourage you to not keep everything inside. I know that it seems like its for the best. Like you should because you don't want to hurt other people, you don't want to see the pity in their eyes, the sadness. You don't want to ruin their fun and you don't want them to feel guilty for having fun and for being happy. But, you can tell them. Sometimes it hurts and sometimes it's scary but it's always worth it in the end. To have that out. To have that off your shoulders. Yes, it is hard. I told three people about my pain in person just recently, I am not going to lie and say it didn't hurt because it did. It was hard and it wasn't fun in the moment but when I got done I felt this feeling like, as cliché as it sounds, like I was free.

I know I might seem ridiculous, I know this pain might seem like such a small thing and irrational and something that shouldn't matter. I know that and I wouldn't blame anyone for thinking that. I think it sounds a bit ridiculous too. But I still feel it, I still feel this pain and I want to share my thoughts with you because I know that somewhere out there in this great big world we live in, there is someone that needs to hear this. And if I can help just one person then every bit of this pain will be worth it! If I can help one person see that God has a plan and God has this in the palm of His hands then all of my pain will be worth it!

God has this!! I know HE has this!! Yes, it stinks. Yes, I don't like feeling this way. BUT God has a BEAUTIFUL plan for our pain!!


Wednesday, June 3, 2015

June Blogathon, Day Three!

Day three of the June blogathon:

When my anxious thoughts multiply within me, Your consolations delight my soul. Proverbs 94:19

Today I have been anxious. I have been so worried about things I really should not be worried about. I have been thinking to hard and to much about things that, though they are important and they do need to be thought about, they don't need to take over my day. Like they did today.

I need to lay the anxieties and the worries and the confusion going on in my head at the feet of Jesus! Today I got caught up in my thoughts. I got unfocused and my mind was going all over the place, I just could not get it together. I tried but I should have tried harder. I know that if I had prayed harder and if I had tried to focus on God and the fact that He has a plan for all of the "what ifs" and all the confusion. If I had tried harder I know today could have been much better, more productive and much happier.

I let Satan in. I let him see my weakness and I let him take advantage of it. I let him take over my day today and I am ashamed. I am ashamed that I let Satan in and that I let him take away my joy. But I know that the Lord planed today before I was even thought of, I know that He has a reason for making today the way it was. I know that God is good and He is all-knowing and He has a beautiful plan for me that involves ALL of the days. Even the days like today.

Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow I will try harder. I will pray more. I will smile bigger. I will chose joy.


{Some photos from mine and Emmy's Birthday shoot}

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

June Blogathon, Day Two!

Day two of the June blogathon:

“God reminded me how beautiful we all are to Him, after all, we were created in His own image, and He looks at me, at you, in all our sweat and dirt and brokenness, and says, "I choose you. You are beautiful.”~ Katie Davis

“Lord, on the days where helping just one more person seems like too much, help me to choose you. On the days when Satan whispers 'You can't save everyone, why are you trying?' let me choose you.”~ Katie Davis

Monday, June 1, 2015

June Blogathon, Day One!

Hi Y'all,

I am joining in on the June blogathon! I have never done this before, I am very excited and cannot wait to share something new with you guys every day!

I am going to kick-off June by formally introducing myself.

My name is Bayley, but you can call me Bay, Bayzil Lou, Bayzey Kate ect. :) I am 15 years old! I love to blog! I have loved it sense the day I started. I love it for a lot of reasons but I think the main reason is probably that I get the chance to inspire people from a much bigger platform than I would otherwise. I also get to share Jesus with all of you!! I have the privilege and honor of sharing the gospel with you. I also get to share my story and the ways the Lord has impacted and continues impact and interrupt my life.

I love Tae Kwon Do and am currently a blue belt! I am a totally weird, clean freak, organization loving, family oriented, super fast talking, Taekwondo loving, nut that loves Jesus!

I also have what is formally known as epilepsy (which is really just a fancy way of saying a seizure disorder:)). People sometimes feel sorry for me, they feel sorry that I have had to go through this and the things that come with having a seizure disorder, they feel sorry for me because I have had to stop doing things I love, they feel sorry because I have had so much "hard stuff" in my life already and this is just adding to the list. I understand why they feel this way, I am thankful I have people in my life that care, but I am perfectly fine having the problems I have and this disorder is not the end of the world...its only the beginning. That's not to say that my life is perfect I still have "those" days, I still fall into sadness and depression and even sometimes, anger. BUT God is amazing! He has a plan that is much bigger than me, that is much better than anything I could ever imagine. He's got this.

I have big dreams and I am constantly thinking of more things to do, more places to go/see. I love food + eating, like, big time! I also love working out/ going to the gym. I love using my voice! I feel like I have been given a voice and I should use it to bring honor, glory, praise and worship to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I have this crazy insane love for littles and I know the Lord is going to use that love in big ways. I also have this nuts-o love for my family (and friends!), they're the most amazing gift from God! They bless me everyday (+ they drive me crazy ;))
God has blessed me abundantly!
"I have learned that I will not change the world.
Jesus will do that.
I can however, change the world for one person.
So I will keep loving one person at a time.
Because this is my call as a follower of Jesus." ~Katie Davis