It's a scary thing to not know if you're dying from a terrible illness. It's a scary thing to look at life with the perspective of a dying person. It's a scary thing to question yourself, to micromanage yourself, to try to make sure you tell all your people you love them and try to explain just how much...just in case. It's scary, broken, terrifying, it makes my insides...it breaks me, it is scary...I don't know how to describe it. Maybe because I don't want to, maybe my heart is just breaking and I just can't get there. I can't really go there and really try to sort through it...I'm not sure, but I do know that I can physically feel the ache. Not getting stuck in the "what if?" and vain imaginings. Not trying to escape it all. Trying to live right here. To sit, just sit here and watch as God works and does wonders too many to declare...is really hard. It is so hard fighting to surrender and truly rest here. To truly, genuinely accept...